I like to read. This is no mystery. I usually block out the month of October for horror novels. They’re a guilty pleasure but only feel truly right in the fall, when the Halloween decorations go up and the leaves start to turn and fall.
I found myself at the end of October having read nothing scary. So I searched the interwebs, the vast series of tubes. I Googled a little bit but then regretted that we’d all made that a verb. I found the obvious suspects – The Stand, Ghost Story, Amityville Horror, It – but I’ve been there, done that. I turned to Amazon. It was a simple search. Hell, it wasn’t even a search. I browsed my way to Kindle horror novels and was presented with an up-to-date list of the most popular. The first was, predictably, a novel by Stephen King. The second, well, it was the second that was truly horrifying.
So. Many. Things.
First, the title. The Fast And The Furriest. The fast part is obvious given the cover. But The Furriest? What horror lies in this hirsute tale? Are we to think this involves hairy people? Plushies? Actual stuffed animals? Was Vin Diesel tarred and feathered? Or worse?
Second, I draw your attention to the first phrase in parentheses. Normally, this would be intended to denote some specific genre or focus but, here, it only subjects the prospective buyer to additional confusion. Look, I understand the words BBW, paranormal, shapeshifter and romance on their own. It’s the combination of them that I don’t understand. I honestly have no idea what these mean when strung together in a supposedly descriptive fashion.
Finally, competing the trifecta, I’m a bit concerned about the second parenthetical. Given the furriest bit, I’m a bit worried for the tigers, if they’re actual tigers. But then again I’m completely fucking lost at this point. I also question the use and spelling of the word tails. This is a story so I’m assuming that this should actually be tales unless we’re talking about actual fucking tigers in which all bets are off. Finally, the number one suggests there will be more. God help us.
I think I’ll just drink more beer and read the National Enquirer.